Complaining is not Conversation

September 29, 2019

“Complaining is finding faults. Wisdom is finding solutions.” — Ajahn Brahm

The other night I was out to dinner, and I did it again! Tried to build a case about the injustices in the world. I was making my case with someone who already knows my position and could probably repeat it back word for word! I added nothing new to the discussion, nor did I suggest a potential solution. My rant looked like the epitome of hubris, which is defined as excessive self-confidence or self-assurance. But inside I didn’t feel self-confident. I felt frustrated and impotent.

Why do we do that? Take our attention off of what we can be doing to make a situation better and rail against the things over which we are, to one degree or another, powerless? Invariably, when I find myself raging against the powers that be, I’m distracted from taking action. And I’m usually unaware that I have yet again put myself in the profoundly uncomfortable position of feeling like a victim.

There isn’t anything wrong with complaining per se. Sometimes we need to vent. Venting becomes a problem when it’s repetitive, emotionally, mentally, and physically draining, and keeps us stuck in quick-sand from which it feels impossible to escape.

WHY WE COMPLAIN

• It’s easier and feels more natural to put our attention on the other guy’s hubris and arrogance and selfishness, rather than seeing and acknowledging it in ourselves.

• We want a distraction from our feelings of powerlessness. Lambasting others usually makes us feel bigger and stronger than we are. Next time you notice someone pontificating about the horribleness of someone else, see that self-righteous indignation makes them stand a little taller, and seem puffed up. We don’t like to feel small.

• Sometimes we want someone else to acknowledge our suffering.

• We want to feel like we’re actively doing something about the problem. We have good intentions. We want the problem to go away, or the situation to change for the better. In talking about it, even if we’re not doing anything productive other than arguing with reality, we somehow feel like we’re taking action.

• We want strength in numbers to assure us of our “rightness.” We are hard-wired to be herd animals (no offense to animals intended). Strength in numbers has its benefits. But it’s essential to make sure that our numbers are made up of people willing to do something more than rail against reality.

• We’re simply in the habit of complaining. In an article in Psychology Today, The Three Types of Complaining, Robert Biswas-Diener cites research suggesting that “making a habit of complaining can ‘re-wire’ the brain so that those particular thinking orientations become ingrained.”

• We believe that our complaining will inspire others to do something about the problem. We hope to motivate them to take action by graphically detailing the horrible things that are coming. Unfortunately, it doesn’t often work that way. Biswas-Diener also says: “One unfortunate downside to venting and chronic complaining, without a specific call to action, is that they dampen people’s moods … listening to gripes makes people feel worse. What’s more, the complainer also feels worse!”

Railing against reality is exhausting and futile. As Byron Katie says in Loving What Is, “When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.”

WHAT WE CAN DO INSTEAD

Take 100% responsibility for our lives.

In her book The Choice, Edith Eger tells the story of her two years in Auschwitz as a teenager where she learned to not only survive unspeakable and ongoing victimization but to take that experience and make it into a life of service.

Eger says: “There’s a difference between victimization and victimhood … we are all likely to be victimized in some way in the course of our lives. Victimization comes from the outside. In contrast, victimhood comes from the inside. We become victims, not because of what happens to us. We become victims when we hold on to our victimization. We become our jailers when we choose the confines of the victim’s mind.”

Take action.

In his Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life, Shantideva counsels, “If something can be changed, work to change it.” If it can’t be changed, put your attention elsewhere. Simple. Wise.

Ben Ladik, a seventh grade U.S. History teacher, says that in his classroom he hears a lot of complaining. His antidote: “I try to instill in my students the idea that complaints are problems without solutions, so put your attention elsewhere. Grievances are problems that we can address and solve by taking actions over time. If it’s a complaint, suck it up. If it’s a grievance, we will work together to fix it.”

Discuss.

Get together with others with the bright, stated purpose of exploring different ways to handle a situation that has previously been a cause for complaint. Be curious. Come to the table recognizing, that as one person, we have a limited perspective. But when we bring together two, three, or four open and curious minds, we can have a more significant impact because we have a broader, more in-depth menu of ideas and options from which to draw.

Listen.

In the world of victimhood, we talk a lot. If you don’t agree with us, listening to your perspective is not on our agenda. After 25 years as a therapist, I still find listening to be a delicate art to master. My experience with others is that I am not alone in that challenge. Sometimes all we need is a compassionate listener. Feeling understood, we feel free to move on to other topics. My current favorite resource for honing listening skills is Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind by Nancy Kline.

Refocus.

If you’re with someone who keeps repeating the same tired perspective, ask with kindness: “What ideas do you have for what you can do to change it?” If they fall back into empty complaining or ignore your question, rinse and repeat, asking as many times as necessary: “What ideas do you have for what you can do to change it?”

Use humor.

Humor has saved me, and meaningful relationships, more times than I can count. Making fun of myself or playfully attempting to rescue someone from their dilemma can turn a tide that would otherwise result in wishing I was somewhere else or tuning them out, and neither of those responses feels satisfying.

Consider impermanence.
Bringing our attention to the reality of our impermanence, the impermanence of our moods and physical states, and the impermanence of every living thing on this planet, can sometimes bring us back to our innate wisdom and our desire to relish what we do have, imperfect as it is, rather than bemoaning what we can’t control.

Notice how you feel.

The next time you aren’t sure if you’re repetitively complaining about something over which you have no control, ask yourself one question: “How do I feel?” You’ll know you’re stuck if you feel frustrated, helpless, or angry. On the other hand, if you feel energized, cooperative, and open to ideas other than your own you are probably discussing, problem-solving, and or doing something constructive that is moving you in the direction you want to go.

Much love,

6 comments

  1. Dick says:

    Robyn, Vicki and I have agreed to go one month without criticizing, condemning, or complaining. We are taking it a day at a time. Wow, I’m mindful of how often I’m complaining or making my case against the evils in the world.
    There are so many ways of complaining that at first do not seem like it…but on reflection are just that. It is not positive, and clouds my mind from being solution-oriented. Basically improving my attitude and behavior. Being the change I’d like to see.
    Thanks for the great article.

    • Robyn says:

      Dick, I can’t tell you what this means to me. I was writing the article to myself. Which actually is what I do with all of the Seedlings – I write about what I want to remember, who I want to be. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  2. Carrie says:

    Well said! Great Sunday morning read 😉. I am not a fan of complaining or people who complain. The negative energy makes me cringe inside. Finding the solution or trying to see the other perspective on why the situation may be as it is are typically how I deal with the complainer, or if I find myself being the one who is complaining! I find though that sometimes the people who complain the most aren’t looking for opinions or solutions and try to combat them, making up excuses for why those solutions won’t work. They just want to ruminate in their own self pity. 🤣

    • Robyn says:

      Hi Carrie. Thanks – I’m with you. I think it can be a really hard habit to break because when we’re doing it most of us are on automatic pilot and oblivious to the fact that we’re taking ourselves and others down a rabbit hole. Waking up to that reality can be hard at times.

  3. Marty Zych says:

    Complaining is not conversation. What a powerful statement. It gave me insight into why I feel so uncomfortable around the complainers I meet. They aren’ Really talking “to” me. On the flip side I am working to check myself when I catch myself starting to complain, and try to shift to more 2 way conversation. Thanks for the perspective.

    • Robyn says:

      Great insight Marty. Great way to catch it is to notice when the conversation is not going both ways – Regardless of who’s doing the talking!

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