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Ending My Love Affair With Blame

July 20, 2012

Lately I’ve been taking some big risks.  I’ve been trying really hard to practice what I preach.  In every area of my life.  WHAT A TRIP!!!  (Not implying accomplishment here–note the word ‘trying’.)

Today I want to talk about my experiences with identifying, taking responsibility for, and expressing feelings.  What does that have to do with blame, you ask?  Well, the trick is to do all that–identify, take responsibility for, and express feelings–without blaming somebody else for them.  Personally, I find this quite challenging since finding somebody to blame seems to be my automatic default position when I’m triggered.  (And by triggered, I mean my reaction to things as small as somebody looking at me funny.  I’m serious here!)

Here’s what I’m learning.  My feelings aren’t the enemy.  Turns out that when I drop the blame component, my feelings can become a vehicle for transformation.  They become a rich source of information, rather than weapons that keep me ‘right’ and lonely.  My feelings tell me when I need to change something, or take responsibility for something, or see something I wasn’t seeing.  Sometimes they’re simply information and sometimes they’re guides, but in my experience, they have never served me when I make them weapons.

So I’m wondering if you’re having a hard time identifying, owning or expressing any feelings  because you’re still thinking that somehow, some way, somebody else is to blame for them?  If you can find that hidden ‘it’s their fault’, and drop it, it might be an adventure to see if your feelings become something you can use rather than something to be afraid of.

I’d really love to hear if you too have had experiences with the blame game.


  1. Scott says:

    I really struggle with expressing my feelings in a constructive way. Somehow it ends up with me tasting the bottom of my foot, and man am I tired of that one! Somehow I always make it about somebody or something else. If I had to pinpoint one thing I have the hardest time with, this would be it I think. I’m usually a pretty thoughtful person, meaning I usually like to process things before I respond, even if for only a few seconds. Then I can more readily give a level response. But with my feelings, I don’t have that luxury because I can’t slow them down enough to stop the words from leaving my mouth. Talk about a challenge. But after all the work I’ve done, all the progress I’ve made ( no matter how little), it’s just another part of me I need to work on and I look forward to it. Not in the sense that I need to conquer or control it, but I think more in the sense that I need to learn to recognize it so I can chip away at it.

    • robyn1001 says:

      You’ve hit on something that continues to challenge me–that knee-jerk reaction that seems to push words out of my mouth almost against my volition! I can say that it’s better. It continues to morph. I haven’t arrived:) Robyn

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