December 22, 2011.
Showing up real isn’t as easy for me as it sounds. Because in order to be real I need to be present and open and not taking myself terribly seriously. When I start taking my thoughts, emotions and physical sensations really seriously, and make decisions around how I’m going to act based on them, I can get myself in trouble. There’s this ‘know-it-all’, sort of automatic pilot place that my mind goes to when I start treating my thoughts like facts rather than the ideas they represent.
My brain on automatic pilot tends to create problems where none exist, or take what is an invisible (to anyone except me) tiny pimple and explode it into a raging case of adult acne. I’ve made huge life decisions from some pretty crazy thoughts that in hindsight, when I’m in my right mind, look touchingly absurd. (This awareness is also offering me an opportunity to practice self-compassion which has generated an intention for 2012—give yourself a break, sweetheart.)
I’m sitting with, and starting to warm up to the idea, that it’s okay that most of the time I don’t know as much as I think I do, or more gently, that there is more to be known about every single thing I think I have down pat. That knowing has created a tendency to move a little more slowly, thoughtfully and purposefully. And it has created a desire to listen better, more openly, and with more curiosity than usual. I’m noticing there are lots of people out there I can learn from when I’m not so attached to what I’m thinking or feeling in any given moment.